Measuring Time via the Vernal Equinox

So the weekend has come and nearly gone. With it, has gone the vernal equinox. In years gone by the equinox has been used to measure time and inform people of the seasons long before Farmer's Almanac became available. Even now many use this special moment where light and dark spend equal time inhabiting our day to mark the passing of time and to determine their progress in both agricultural efforts as well as personal goals. Personally, I use it for the latter.

So where am I on my personal goals? Exhausted! Sadly that is very true. I had hoped to have more forward momentum in my year than has come to pass. Sometimes I think that it is the result my needing to be here, right where I am, on this path rather than making what I consider to be progress. Then sometimes I wonder if perhaps I am not trying hard enough, if I'm not focused enough, selective enough, persevering enough. To take responsibility...meaning to be able to respond appropriately and be accountable is perhaps an act of realism and objectivity that I am not capable of. Self-judgment is such a slippery slope. I know few who can apply it with equanimity and equipoise to appropriately gauge progress. Rather many of us fall into the trap of unreasonable expectations of ourselves, self-loathing and disappointment.

Although I feel somewhat at odds with my progress by this first quarter's end, I have taken time out to enjoy being in the few days of sunny warm weather, noticing the new buds on the trees, the rapid progress of the crocus as it rose through the ground one day and bloomed the next, the magnificent sidewalk chalk art of my neighbors, and my dog stealing my neighbor's basketball when he unwittingly invited her to join the game (never offer my dog a ball you're not willing to lose). I even sat out on the bench swing in the sun eating ice cream with my darling daughter enjoying the warmth and displaying my white legs to the golden sun. No matter what our agendas and to-do lists, or how quickly our personal measures come at us, to let the transition into spring pass unnoticed may well be more detrimental to our well-being than sticking with our plans.

So how have you experienced this transition into spring whether on the actual day of the equinox, or just a lovely day that felt like spring to you? Do you have any rituals by which you welcome this time of year? Do you use the equinox to measure events in your life? If so, how?

May this new season bring us all many blessings in addition to the abundant new life we are now witnessing.

Merry Christmas to You and Yours - May It Be Good and Full

Whether you are spending Christmas with family, friends, on a bus, on a plane, in a snow drift, or solo like me, I hope you all have a wonderful fulfilling day.

Christmas (and I confess, I'm not religious) is very much a state of mind IMO. My childhood was super stable in terms of Christmas traditions. We always knew where we were going to be and when. Christmas eve at maternal grandparents. Christmas morning opening presents with mom, dad, sis and the dog. Then on to paternal grandparents for early afternoon Christmas dinner. My daughter's experience with Christmas is quite the opposite.

In the six years her father and I have been divorced, she has experienced numerous configurations of scheduled celebrations. This year is no different. Early on after the divorce I had great difficulty experiencing big holidays like Christmas without her. I'd frequently feel sad, lonely, embarrassed, guilty that I couldn't give my daughter the same stability I had as a child, jealous that my ex had immediately created an instant family before our divorce was final and just generally feeling like a bad mother and an undeserving person. Undoubtedly I was grieving the loss of family that accompanied my divorce, nursing a bruised ego and mourning the loss of my expectations. Fast forward to now.

My daughter went to her dad's today at 5pm to celebrate Christmas day with him. We have had this arrangement in the past but never before has it gone so smoothly and with me feeling quite incredibly happy with my situation. Last night, which was our Christmas Eve, we watched The Sound of Music. This had always been a tradition in my family. Back then on of the big tv networks always broadcast it Christmas Eve. Prior to watching the SoM, w watched the Wizard of Oz because that's a little bit of our own tradition in the making. Then the next morning I awoke at 6:30 am when I heard the girl get up. Told her to give me a minute, then after turning on the tree and hearth lights, told her to come out for presents and stockings, then breakfast (the routine I had as a child, except I would invariably awaken around 2am and stay in my room until the family was ready to do presents 5-6 hrs later....those nights were soooo long).

It's funny because I have had to continually remind myself that this was really Xmas eve, not Xmas day, because for me it felt completely like Xmas day. My mom came to have an early afternoon dinner with us (our family Xmas won't happen until after New Year's) and even a cousin and her husband stopped by to visit as they drove through town.

Given my ex was scheduled to pick up the girl at 5 pm, my mom was concerned about my having something to do tomorrow. I explained I have plans for tomorrow. The reality is, I *feel* like today was Xmas proper. It's taken me a number of years to cultivate this perspective and to just accept the time the girl and I have together on holidays which sometimes means being flexible with our idea of holidays. I don't feel ashamed at spending Xmas day alone like I used to, without a significant other or without being surrounded by my daughter and other family. I feel like we had a day that we made into our holiday and filled it with our traditions and we can put those traditions into motion on any day of the year and it will be our Christmas.

It's not about what the calendar says or what other people think you are doing on that specific date. It's about spending your time the way you want to spend it. I may not always get to be with my daughter when I want to be, but I can certainly spend the time that I'm away from her making the most of it. I'm looking forward to a wonderful day on my own tomorrow browsing through the three dozen decorating library books I brought home earlier this week, watching movies, piddling around the house and doing whatever feels good at the time. I'm also much better able to make the most of my time with the girl so that when she is away, I feel like that aspect of my life is good and full.

It is the knowledge and acceptance that my life is good and full, just as it is, that allows me to enjoy holidays on days the calendar claims they don't exist, and to feel great joy at spending official holidays in ways that defy convention and expectation.

So whatever you are doing, whatever holiday you are celebrating, whether it be Christmas or Friday, do it to the best of your ability and enjoy the experience!

Thankful to Lose; Thankful to Win

Lately it's occurred to me
That I've had enough of that
And lately I've been satisfied by simple things
Like breathing in and breathing out

Those are lyrics from Natalie Merchant’s song Not In This Life from her Motherland album. For years the line about breathing in and breathing out has struck me. I would say to myself, “Oh, that’s what I need to focus on”. Then before I knew it, my fabulous monkey mind would have swung to another branch, then another, then another. But every time I have come across that lyric, I have paused and enjoyed the open stillness that comes with just focusing on the breath, on the moment, then letting it go.

After I divorced and again a few years ago, I tried internet dating. There would be pre-fab questions for participants to answer to help others to learn about you. One of the questions asked about the 5 things you can’t live without. I thought it a stupid question. One thing I’ve known for a long time about myself is that I’m a survivor and that I can survive all sorts of losses except that of food, water, air, and shelter. I certainly understand why people say they cannot live without their children, their pets, their friends or their prized possessions. Those are all certainly very important and meaningful, but I’m certain all of those individuals would survive without them. Loss can be inconvenient, painful and at times devastating, but it can also be the harbinger of good things. Loss reminds us of what we truly need in order to exist, and also reminds us of what gives our lives meaning.

My point is that this holiday season, since my adventure in TN, I’ve been thinking a lot about where my life is, my stressors, joys, passions, how the scales are balanced. On the drive home from TN, I heard Natalie’s song again and remembered how easy it is to go to that place of serenity inside. Whilst there I recognized that all I need to live is very basic and elemental and that was very reassuring. I didn’t lose anything that gave my life meaning. I did lose a car that I loved which created some inconvenience and expense, but it also created an opportunity to obtain a vehicle that will likely prove a better fit for our lifestyle.



I want to extend a warm “thank you” to Catherine who has graciously bestowed my blog with this award. I hope this little blog of mine proves worthy.

Recovery

After waiting around Nashville for a rental car to become available, I finally made it home Wednesday night. Arrived in town after 6 hours on the road and drove directly to urgent care. I still had the headache from when the accident occurred and although I was pretty certain it was sinus/ear related and exacerbated by the accident rather than stemming from it, I wanted to get it checked out so I could enjoy a good night’s sleep for the first time in days. After an exam the physician agreed with me that I had a sinus/ear infection and no neurological deficits. I didn’t get my knee checked out but figure it will either resolve or I’ll get it checked out later. I ended the day crawling into bed between my two favorite girls, my daughter (who wanted to sleep in my bed and how could I refuse) and my dog, Faith, asleep on the floor in her own bed.

The next morning I was quickly reminded that life moves on, everyone has their challenges, and how life frequently moves us from one challenge to another. I, however, took a break by staying home for work and resting. After the stressors of the events of the accident and getting home, I found myself lacking motivation and generally feeling numb. These feelings, or lack of feelings, continued into yesterday. In fact I went to bed Friday night at 8:30 pm and didn’t awaken until 10 am Saturday. Sleeping that long is something I have only very rarely done, but I must admit, I felt very indulged. My dog, who is a saint, was kind enough to let me sleep the entire time.

Finally Saturday I found myself returning to normal. I engaged in some yard work, cleaning a few windows (amazing how luxurious it feels to have some clean windows), general house tidying and walking Faith out in the sunshine. Showing yet again you don’t have to spend money to make yourself feel good and well-cared for.

Thankful Doesn't Seem Strong Enough

My head hurts. My shoulders and neck ache. My knee is sore. I'm bruised and tired and a little anxious. Above is a photo of my car, or at least what's left of it. It will likely be totaled out by the insurance company given it's missing the front half of the engine. Yesterday around 5:30 pm I was in my first car accident. Given my age I'm sure the fact it was my first accident makes me quite lucky. The fact that I walked away from it without serious injury makes me extremely lucky. This is what can happen to any of us. Unexpected stopped traffic after a blind curve on an interstate.

Thanks to the kind man from the crash site who drove me back to my hotel. He went well beyond the call of duty.

And thanks to Bob who helped me to decompress following the accident. Once back here at the hotel, I crossed paths with Bob, an MD who was a presenter at one of my conference sessions. We chatted and I mentioned I couldn't leave because I had just been in an accident and no longer have a car. He was very sweet and concerned for my well-being. He insisted on getting me liquored up since the only other thing he knew to do was to take a C-spine film and there were no X-Ray machines readily available, so we opted for some wine followed up with a good amount of scotch. We toasted my being alive and well. He helped me to forget my woes and we had a lovely visit. I owe him a debt of gratitude.

A day later I have a plan in place to get myself home. I had hoped to be home by today, but the entire city is sold out of rental cars until late tomorrow. So hopefully I'll get to go home then. I love and miss my car; I'm distressed to see it go. I'm worried that I can't afford to replace it. But aside from practical details, I'm profoundly grateful to be here. I know that I it could have been so much worse. The other two individuals involved also walked away unhurt.

Just in time for Thanksgiving the Universe gave me a reminder that things can be replaced, but the people and loved ones in our lives are irreplaceable, whether family, friends, good Samaritans or our loving animal friends.